on the classic & understated bezos-sánchez wedding

(a little personal breakdown)

I have to say, I normally love weddings. This often comes as a surprise to people, but I am secretly, covertly, clandestinely … a bit of a sap.¹ Like, I’m watching Before Sunrise even now, as I proofread this.² Huge fan of beautiful little ceremonies. Few things bring me greater pleasure than seeing deliriously happy friends tearfully overcome, in front of their friends and family, in the face of love. Etc. Etc.

Apropos of everything, I'll also confess that I often find tackiness (tack?) somewhat charming. Something about it is so earnest, no? Like, well, I thought this electric blue shade looked good, so I have included it in every facet of my special day.³ I think it's nice. There's something very personal about tackiness. You can't be cheesy without being yourself. This, by the way, is why I so unironically appreciate the Great State of New Jersey. You have to know who you are.

Shockingly—shockingly—Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sánchez have proven themselves an exception to my usual wedding and occasional tackiness appreciation. I'm afraid that, try as they do, there's nothing earnest about a billionaire. When they're being corny, it's not because they're being themselves, it's because they don't know who they are. They've lost all aspects of what makes a person and, in a personality's stead, have amalgamated a collection of traits and tastes that they think a classy titan of industry would possess. Plot twist: unless you're Bertha and George Russell, there's no such thing as a classy titan of industry.⁴

If people were still buying them, encyclopedias would be updated to include this photo below "classic" and "understated." But they're not buying them anymore. Because of woke. (Photo: Reuters)