free me from being perceived by perez hilton

a pop culture re-examination

Do you know how unsettling it is to be at a football (soccer) match and receive a notification that Perez Hilton has tagged you in a new post? Reader, this happened on Wednesday night and I felt a compelling urge to throw my phone down the stands and into the pitch. Let my little iPhone 13 go bravely unto the breach rather than conspire against me in this cruel manner.

The audacity of Meta calling this a “priority” notification.

I don’t, to be clear, feel badly for posting a very tame skit centered around Justin Timberlake and his newest publicity woe. Driving under the influence is one of the most selfish, unnecessary things a person can do, and a 43-year-old man should know better, especially if he’s mocked other people in the past for adjacent reasons.

This issue is not, however, about Justin Timberlake (

Hunter Harris

did write one last week, though, and you should read it).

A few weeks ago, I told

Sara Petersen

that I constantly re-examine my relationship and interest with and in pop culture, and being perceived by a character as nefarious as Hilton in anything resembling a complimentary fashion made a re-assessment appointment necessary and urgent.

Perez Hilton (the man, the website, the entire time capsule he represents) reminds me of the worst pop culture era of my life, a period when the tabloids at the grocery store check-out line would show me covers of emaciated women and, with loud and demeaning language, bully them. Hilton didn't just thrive in this environment: he helped create it.      

If you're unfamiliar with Hilton, as my parents blessedly were, I found this 2020 profile from Mel Magazine helpful, as it goes through his past transgressions and his more recent attempts to rebrand:

... in the late aughts ... 14 million people a day visited PerezHilton.com, his groundbreaking gossip site, which made him as famous as the stars he ridiculed with nicknames like “Sluttyienna” (Sienna Miller); “Potato Head” (Rumer Willis); and “Maniston” (Jennifer Aniston).

You see what I mean. So you can understand, then, why a panic-induced re-evaluation was warranted. This is reductive, but I never want to become the kind of person looked upon in a favorable light by people like Hilton, who've made entire careers out of bullying for the sake of clicks, not commentary or criticism or even comedy. I never want to be the reason someone like Perez Hilton laughs.